'Woman, submit': thus saith God's messenger

Dr. R. Albert Mohler Jr to women: 'God wants you barefoot and pregnant, sweetcheeks'

LOUISVILLE, KY—Does God care whether couples have kids?

R. Albert Mohler Jr., ever-controversial president of Kentucky's Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, has stirred debate by asserting that it's "an absolute revolt against God's design'' if husbands and wives purposely avoid bearing children.

To him, raising children is both a God-given duty and "one of the most crucial opportunities for the making of saints.''

Following Southern Baptist style, Mohler based his case on the Bible, saying it teaches that "marriage, sex and children are part of one package. To deny any part of this wholeness is to reject God's intention in creation — and his mandate revealed in the Bible.''

"Couples are not given the option of chosen childlessness in the biblical revelation,'' he contended. "To the contrary, we are commanded to receive children with joy as God's gifts.''

Mohler also said he wasn't talking about couples who desire children but are unable to have them, only those who are capable of bearing children but "reject this intrusion in their lifestyle.'' The Bible "points to barrenness as a great curse,'' he noted, alongside its depictions of children as divine gifts." (Southern Baptist seminary president: Bible opposes intentional childnessness)

Really, Rev. "Ear-to-God, Lips-to-Republicans" Mohler, you certainly provided answers to questions I never thought to ask of you. Based on your telephone to glory, though, you must already be anticipating the next package of "marriage, sex and children" questions, so here's a start:

• What are the guidelines on preferable negligee colors, or is sexy attire optional?
• Would anything discouraging reproductive acts -- flannel nightgowns and headaches, for example -- be sinful?
• Is dancing OK only when it leads to the bedroom?
• Does one pretend to have fun, but pray throughout the act as a matter of Christian duty?
• How much foreplay, if any, is appropriate?
• Which positions, if more than one is ever acceptable, are suggested for increasing the probability of fertilization?
• In fulfilling one's reproductive duties, are clocks and calendars forbidden -- or mandatory?
• Does the church have a position on breastfeeding, too?
• Exactly how many children are enough?
• How many children can a male head of household, earning minimum wage, support?
• Who pays the medical bills for the family you envisage -- or will God reward big families with perfect health?
• Are sabbaticals from childbearing permitted, or must the submissive wife, like Proud Mary on a river, just keep on a-rollin'?

Hard questions, but I'm sure you're up for these and more. Speaking for God is hard work, so let's get'er done, preacher man.

Here's a more important question for the rest of us, however; one that each of us must answer for ourselves: When is enough enough? After all, the holy Mohler's opinions are well-rooted in his church's doctrine -- a doctrine that many believe is "right" for America. (Baptist Faith and Message, XVIII. The Family)

Is this the voice of a future theocracy? Will Americans harken to the rantings of a man who claims to speak for God; a man whose religious and political goals are inseparable; a man whose influence already extends to the top levels of government -- a man who, ultimately, would remove every vestige of freedom and personal decision making we hold dear?

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Rev. Mohler probably solved another scientific puzzle as well: "Italy's frozen mummy may have been sterile" -- or perhaps ye ole mummy suffered "a great curse" for an "absolute revolt against God's plan."