President's remarks at groundbreaking ceremony for Arlington National Cemetery High Capacity Mega-Crypt

Remarks by the President
October 26, 2005

THE PRESIDENT: Thank you, thank you. You may be seated.

As we all know, yesterday came word of an important milestone in our nation's history: 2,000 Americans killed in the war in Iraq. 2,000 heroes � or "H2K," as I like to call it.

Now normally I ignore the price we're paying in order to spread delicious, creamery FREEDOM� all over the biscuit of the Middle East. And I ignore it with good reason � corpses are depressing, and seeing the consequences of war sure takes the wham-bang out of the glistening boner that is acting tough. I make an exception today for one reason: can't avoid it. (Winks.)

You know my poppy often blabbed about "1,000 Points of Light." And since he was just a one-term loser, I kinda figured that 2,000 should be my signature number. 2,000 days of paid vacation. 2,000 environmental regulations gutted. 2,000 flag-draped caskets whisked home under cover of darkness. And so on and so forth.

But now that I've reached my goals so far ahead of schedule, I'm thinking even bigger. After all, with over three years left in my term, what's to stop me from making it to H3K? Or even H4K?!
(Applause.)

I'm confident it's doable. And fortunately for me, there is a particular breed of super-vocal mega-patriot whose enthusiasm for American death is, conveniently, directly proportionate to the number of soldier's lives I squelch out.

For these model Republicans, it's like Iraq is a big old slot machine, our soldiers are shiny silver dollars, and the only way to ever get that sucker to maybe-possibly spit out a few nickels is to keep feeding the beast. Forever. No matter what. If for no other reason than to honor the memory of the silver dollars already squandered � and send them plenty of company so that they won't get lone up in silver dollar heaven. Yes, under my watch, America has become a leathery, chain-smoking granny at Luxor, feverishly pumping the one-armed bandit that is Iraq.

(Applause.)

Of course, an inescapable consequence of my inspired leadership is that today, here in the shadow of the Pentagon, Arlington National Cemetery is nearly bursting at the seams. And that is why, in a striking example of my gift for planning for the future, I am pleased to be here today for the groundbreaking of the "George W. Bush FREEDOM� Crypt."

(Applause.)

This state of the art, 32-story hero-interment facility boasts a 25,000 coffin capacity on a mere one acre footprint. The first of many such structures that will one day, God willing, constitute a mighty necropolis in the sky, and I will be honored to have it bear my name.

(Shovels chunk of sod.)

(Applause.)

Furthermore, I am pleased to announce that not a single tax dollar will be spent on this here monument. No sir, because the whole shi-bang is being underwritten by the Petro-Industrial-Military-Evangelical-Princeton-Country Club-Complex at no cost to the public � save for a $35/ticket admission. Plus tax. And parking fees.

(Applause.)

And just wait until you see the gift shop! We guarantee that you'll walk in a fat, smug, narcissistic right-wing ideological automaton yearning to shed the guilt incurred supporting a war launched purely to assuage your insecurities, and you'll leave the exactly same, except under the comfortable delusion that you've paid your debt with shallow grief.

(Knowing Laughter, Applause.)

And with that, I'd better get back to work so we can start filling this sucker up just as soon as it's finished!

Thank you, and God Bless America!

(Applause.)

Thanks to The White House Newsroom