Let yer love flow

Whole lotta love
Senators Lott, Craig and Ashcroft in the Halycon Days

~*~

Just let your love flow like a mountain stream
And let your love grow with the smallest of dreams
And let your love show and you'll know what I mean
It's the season.

So let that feeling grab you deep inside
And send you reeling where your love can't hide
And then go stealing through the moonlit night
with your lover.

Let your love fly like a bird on the wing
And let your love bind you to all living things
And let your love shine and you'll know what I mean
That's the reason.


- With no offense to the Bellamy Brothers: Live performance
- See also Stewart and Colbert, 2001: The Singing Senators

Model needed on Aisle 3

A Parisian remedy to Wal-Mart's sagging sales?

PARIS (Reuters Life!) - Male models wearing nothing but red underpants try on clothes for you . . . .

Male models in different heights, weights and shapes, clad in nothing but underwear, are offering to try on clothes for females instead of their shopping-averse husbands.

"It was a bit of a crazy idea," said Romain Martin, the founder of the Shoppenboys service, but he added that the half-naked models had helped spark sales at Celio shops.

"When people see the boys in their underwear, they want to make them try something on," he said, adding that some 2,000 men had applied to become such husband-replacement models since the service was launched last year.

Consumer spending in France is solid compared to many of the country's European neighbors. - Boys in briefs perk up Paris shopping

Umm, not necessarily the American solution we want to see if this is the model pool . . . .

(Best Syndication) Despite public health efforts to help Americans lose weight, the obesity rate rose in 31 states last year, according to the “Fat: How Obesity Policies are Failing in America” report by Trust for America's Health (TFAH), a non-profit health information organization. For 21 of the states, it was the second year in a row that the obesity rate increased, and none of the states saw a decline. - Obesity rates in the US rising - Complete list by state

Pass these laws in 2007

And watch society improve overnight

• Straight women will be prohibited from entering a predominantly gay wine bar, ordering a $12 glass of merlot and referring to its complex blend of taste and aroma as "busy." Violators will be punished by being limited to drinking cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon from paper bags for a period of two (2) months.



• Any male purchasing a Hummer will be required to first drop his pants and prove it really is that small.



• A "maximum bicep circumference" will be enforced upon the gay male population. A task force responsible for random testing of gay males will be comprised of skinny heterosexual males wielding tape measures. Any gay male found with a bicep measuring more than fourteen (14) inches will be prohibited from entering a gym for at least six (6) months, or until their bodies atrophy to a degree that no longer makes hetero males feel inferior, whichever occurs first.



• In the event that religious missionaries appear unannounced at the front door of a male citizen, it will be legal for him to greet his visitors in the nude with a donut around his erect penis and ask if they've had breakfast yet.



• Anyone who uses the horribly redundant term "added bonus" while trying to sell a product on television will be sentenced to five (5) years in prison jail.



• Because it makes no sense to wash one's hands in a public bathroom if one needs to touch a pee-contaminated door handle afterward, all public restrooms will be mandated to have "touchless" exits.



• Winners of beauty pageants will be prohibited from making out with each other in public unless they prearrange to have the session videotaped.



• All faux testicles--be they rubber, stainless steel or gold plated--dangling from the bumper or trailer hitch of any vehicle will be grounds for full and public disclosure, by the perpetrator, of the number of dates said perpetrator has enjoyed in his reproductive life and on how many of those dates his real but tiny and shriveled testes have failed to perform. Note from the law's sponsor: "Boys, this aftermarket accessory is not sexy nor does it convince society of your virility."

These suggestions and more at San Diego CityBeat.

Strong wind downs plane, birds fall from the sky, Grand Ole Opry cancelled

NASHVILLE - An American Airlines flight was forced to make an emergency landing Monday morning after a passenger lit a match to disguise the odor of flatulence, authorities said.

Other passengers reported the odor of burned matches, but the woman was not forthcoming when asked about it.

The Dallas-bound flight was diverted to Nashville after several passengers reported smelling burning sulfur from the matches, said Lynne Lowrance, spokeswoman for the Nashville International Airport Authority.

All 99 passengers and five crew members were taken off and screened while the plane was searched and luggage was screened.

The FBI questioned a passenger who [after "lengthy questioning," - from a safe distance] admitted she struck the matches in an attempt to conceal a "body odor," Lowrance said. She had an unspecified medical condition, authorities said.

"Of course, she was scared and embarrassed but all the passengers had to disembark, all the luggage had to be searched, a canine team was brought in, and about three hours were consumed in sorting out the situation."

"It's humorous in a way, but you feel sorry for the individual as well," she said. "It's unusual that someone would go to those measures to cover it up."

The flight took off again, but the woman was not allowed back on the plane. The woman, who was not identified, was not charged in the incident.

Passengers are permitted four books of paper safety matches on a plane but cannot light them during flight, Lowrance said.

"I've had calls from people all over the country about this," she said. "And I don't have the answer to this problem."

• American Airlines flight downed by flatulence

Plan your next getaway with SkyHigh Airlines

I did.

Browsing their website was such a realistic experience, I feel like I landed already.

Sure, a different airline would have promised more, but there's something to be said for truth in advertising.

While I dab my face with a cool towelette, why not plan your own trip with SkyHigh?


Start your tour with. . . Complete Vacation Packages.

VOICES OF SKYHIGH:

- At SkyHigh Airlines, sure we're indifferent. But it's a genuine indifference. That's the key.

- I have no people skills. But I do like animals. So I just pretend my passengers are livestock.

- Some people call it "lost luggage." But we like to say, "if you love something, set it free. If it comes back, well, that's pretty good."

Bill & Katherine & Jim & Charlie

Crist-Davis debate
Monday, Oct. 30, 7:00 p.m. ET
MSNBC and Florida NBC stations
Moderator Chris Matthews

Nelson-Harris debate
Wednesday, Nov. 1, 7:00 p.m. ET
Florida NBC stations [MSNBC replay at 10:00 p.m.]
Moderator Tim Russert

DVD cover-Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice-1969

How not to write from behind the bar twice

The following headline and story was carried today by several Florida newspapers:

Man Hired Hit Man To Kill Wife Twice

"STUART, Fla. - An Jensen Beach man was convicted Friday of trying to hire a hit man to kill his wife twice from behind bars."

Is it not surprising that, "Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?" (G.W.B., Jan. 11, 2000)

Remove the fear of flying

If we're serious about making the skies both friendly and safe, the solution is simple -- demand that all passengers shuck their shoes, socks, and every stitch of clothing at the terminal gates. What better way way to quash the fear of hidden explosives in the wide blue yonder? Show the world that Americans can win "the war on terrorism" by soaring buck-nekid through the spacious skies above amber waves of grain.

Hand each passenger a fluffy beach towel at boarding, roll out the three-martini in-flight lunch, and conduct a few bars of "America the Beautiful" to inspire pride. (If you don't know the words, hum. Come on, don't be shy -- most of us are not trained vocalists, after all.)

Sure, the initial expense could be scary to the timid, cut-and-run crowd, but what's the cost of freedom? And think of the long term benefits... the smiling faces... the fellowship... the love on a grand scale.

Bombing the hell out of non-threatening countries ain't working, folks. Isn't it time we think "outside the box" and take real freedom to new heights? Put safety first ... and your best cheek forward.

Just call it Flying for Freedom.

Oh yes, I'm the Great Decider

"I read that we were running focus groups to determine who the vice president ought to be. Forget it; it's not happening," he said. "I'm a good decider." (George W. Bush, June 17, 2000)

We face "an adversary that poses a threat, [a] serious threat, to the security of the United States of America"-- one that "attempts to impose its demands across time zones, continents, oceans, and beyond. With brutal consistency, it stifles free thought and crushes new ideas. It disrupts the defense of the United States and places the lives of men and women in uniform at risk. It's the Pentagon bureaucracy." (Donald Rumsfeld, Sept. 10, 2001)

"I'm the decider, and I decide what's best." (George W. Bush, April 17, 2006)

The Great Decider
Tune from "The Great Pretender" by the Platters
Lyrics by me

Oh yes, I'm the Great Decider
Pretending that I'm doing well;
In my need to play butch, I decide too much
I'm sending the country to hell.

Oh yes, I'm the Great Decider
Adrift in a world of my own;
I never played the game, and to my dying shame
Sent others to die far from home.

(Booo-hooo)

Too real is this feeling of lordliness;
Too real when I feel what secrets can't conceal.

Oh yes, I'm the Great Decider
Dick Cheney and I share the crown;
When I heard duty call, my conscience went AWOL;
I'm fondling Karl's playbook like a clown
Deciding, keeping Rummy around.

(Oooo-wooo)

Too real is this feeling of make believe;
Too real when I feel what these beady eyes conceal.

Oh-oh ye-esh, I'm the Great Divider (woo-woo)
Still smirking as better men die;
The illness found in me is easy now to see --
Delusions still bringing me down
Pretending I'm wearing a crown
Deciding while I'm still around.

_____
Update, April 25: In surfing the web today, I discovered at least three versions of "The Decider." Can't say whether it's a case of "great minds running together," but when I revised the lyrics to "The Great Pretender," I had no knowledge of the others.

At least one of the versions is dated before mine, and I have no way of knowing whether it was backdated (both were cached by Google two days after my blog entry). Versions of other songs have also appeared in recent days -- the subject matter obviously lends himself to parody. C'est la vie.

Quails' Gate on ice: the big chill

Still no answers on Cheney's latest corker

If the Democrats have any political sense at all (and apparently they don't), they'll beat this story to death with humor. Imagine the Republican glee (and media piling-on) if Clinton or Gore or Dean or Kerry had come so close to blowing somebody away -- and failed so miserably.

Just when we think the incompetence level of the Bush administration demands their full surrender (indictment or impeachment -- whichever comes first), somebody fires off another round. Yesterday we learned it's Cheney's turn again, as if he hadn't already shamed himself enough for one lifetime -- or nine.

This afternoon you may have watched, as I did, press spokesman Scottie face the snarling pack of spotted pointers (ha!), the White House press corps. After a weekend of preparation, he broke from his blind and gave us ... more evasion than a whole covey of quail (although less impressive than AF-1's flight pattern of 9/11/01).

Explaining his complete lack of new information, Scottie duly repeated the lines given to him by the VP's office: Information was still being collected throughout Saturday night and Sunday, and the White House needed full, complete and accurate information before going public.

Very good, Mr. Highly-Paid Mouthpiece-for-Incompetence. So where the hell, two days later, is the information that took so long to collect? Still in the deep freeze, evidently.

The Quails' Gate chill was likely designed (1) to see whether the story would stay frozen; and (2) to give Cheney and his ice goons time to concoct a drink the public would swallow.

Following Scottie's splendid performance of saying nothing, one Faux News reporter, mouthing as always the official White House line of misdirection, couldn't resist commenting on the "press's feeding frenzy," calling it "a tempest in a teapot". He did admit, however, that waiting a day before leaking the story (and then to a local Texas newspaper) may not have been the "best call," seeing as how many questions had been raised by the delaying tactic.

So far, here's what we know (and perhaps all we will ever know). Awards are in order:

• It was the victim's fault that Cheney shot him. [Award: open-backed hospital gown]
  
• It was a private citizen's prerogative to report the incident to a local newspaper -- a day after the shooting, and too late for the Sunday newspapers and news shows. [Award: blue ribbon and a medal; see photo]
  
• It was the Bush administration's responsibility to collect the facts and report them in a timely fashion. [Award: red wine vinegar and oil spill for the tossed truth salad, peppered generously]
  
• It is the press's duty to find the answers to questions that Scottie still can not (or will not) answer, two days after the shooting ... and counting. [Predicted award: a runaway bride's* unused gown and an overused veil of distraction]
  

Now, can we please uncork a bottle of Quails' Gate and get it breathing?


See . . .

• Dick Cheney’s top 10 excuses for shooting fellow hunter
• New crayons and coloring book time
• Photo: Quails' Gate Estate Winery
  

*Feb. 16 update: With no bride willing to cooperate this week, the media resorted to a runaway bitch . . .

• Hunt is on for whippet who took off

Cheney finally earns his Bronze Star

Crazy, you say?

WASHINGTON Feb 12, 2006 (AP)--Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot and wounded a companion during a weekend quail hunting trip in Texas, spraying the fellow hunter in the face and chest with shotgun pellets.
(Cheney shoots fellow hunter)

Yep, forty years after his five deferments from military duty, Cheney finally notched a hit. On a friend.

And why not a medal in recognition of superior marksmanship and bravery? Crazier things have happened in the Bush administration.

Only last week W. was honored with a bronze bust for desertion. Certainly his boss Dick deserves no less for courage on the field of battle.

Run off to Swampwater . . .

. . . and see what a difference sea level makes

Swampwater, Florida

"In the great comedy of human endeavor, where enterprise, government, art and science converge, the pillar of achievement, seeking to rise above man's greed, delusion and stupidity, provides a guiding...did I ever tell you that I was born with antlers?...I'm hungry now, I want a sandwich."

• Col. Addison "Damp Powder" Swarth-Waither, founder

Santa's holiday helper

Apples found her Halloween photo to her liking, so she has honored us with an appearance at the Christmas holidays.

Apples (Appalachian Bloom) is Kuz'n Kirk's 'deerly' beloved hound. She loves dressing up any time there's a party.

Wonder Girl greets Halloween guests

Appalachian Bloom, or "Apples", loves to dress up, sit back and greet her many guests.
She resides with Kuz'n Kirk on the old plantation.

President's remarks at groundbreaking ceremony for Arlington National Cemetery High Capacity Mega-Crypt

Remarks by the President
October 26, 2005

THE PRESIDENT: Thank you, thank you. You may be seated.

As we all know, yesterday came word of an important milestone in our nation's history: 2,000 Americans killed in the war in Iraq. 2,000 heroes � or "H2K," as I like to call it.

Now normally I ignore the price we're paying in order to spread delicious, creamery FREEDOM� all over the biscuit of the Middle East. And I ignore it with good reason � corpses are depressing, and seeing the consequences of war sure takes the wham-bang out of the glistening boner that is acting tough. I make an exception today for one reason: can't avoid it. (Winks.)

You know my poppy often blabbed about "1,000 Points of Light." And since he was just a one-term loser, I kinda figured that 2,000 should be my signature number. 2,000 days of paid vacation. 2,000 environmental regulations gutted. 2,000 flag-draped caskets whisked home under cover of darkness. And so on and so forth.

But now that I've reached my goals so far ahead of schedule, I'm thinking even bigger. After all, with over three years left in my term, what's to stop me from making it to H3K? Or even H4K?!
(Applause.)

I'm confident it's doable. And fortunately for me, there is a particular breed of super-vocal mega-patriot whose enthusiasm for American death is, conveniently, directly proportionate to the number of soldier's lives I squelch out.

For these model Republicans, it's like Iraq is a big old slot machine, our soldiers are shiny silver dollars, and the only way to ever get that sucker to maybe-possibly spit out a few nickels is to keep feeding the beast. Forever. No matter what. If for no other reason than to honor the memory of the silver dollars already squandered � and send them plenty of company so that they won't get lone up in silver dollar heaven. Yes, under my watch, America has become a leathery, chain-smoking granny at Luxor, feverishly pumping the one-armed bandit that is Iraq.

(Applause.)

Of course, an inescapable consequence of my inspired leadership is that today, here in the shadow of the Pentagon, Arlington National Cemetery is nearly bursting at the seams. And that is why, in a striking example of my gift for planning for the future, I am pleased to be here today for the groundbreaking of the "George W. Bush FREEDOM� Crypt."

(Applause.)

This state of the art, 32-story hero-interment facility boasts a 25,000 coffin capacity on a mere one acre footprint. The first of many such structures that will one day, God willing, constitute a mighty necropolis in the sky, and I will be honored to have it bear my name.

(Shovels chunk of sod.)

(Applause.)

Furthermore, I am pleased to announce that not a single tax dollar will be spent on this here monument. No sir, because the whole shi-bang is being underwritten by the Petro-Industrial-Military-Evangelical-Princeton-Country Club-Complex at no cost to the public � save for a $35/ticket admission. Plus tax. And parking fees.

(Applause.)

And just wait until you see the gift shop! We guarantee that you'll walk in a fat, smug, narcissistic right-wing ideological automaton yearning to shed the guilt incurred supporting a war launched purely to assuage your insecurities, and you'll leave the exactly same, except under the comfortable delusion that you've paid your debt with shallow grief.

(Knowing Laughter, Applause.)

And with that, I'd better get back to work so we can start filling this sucker up just as soon as it's finished!

Thank you, and God Bless America!

(Applause.)

Thanks to The White House Newsroom

Hammer Festival: Best of Show

Portrait of the Artist Doing Philosophy
Fred Nagelbach; see Friedrich Nietzche essay on "How to Do Philosophy With a Hammer," in Idol of the Gods; 2004; Polyester resin and fiberglass.
Outdoor Sculpture Contest: Polk Museum of Art

Portrait of the Artiste Doing Politics
George Butsh; See Karl Rove essay on "How to Do Politics With a Hammer," in Idol of the GOoPers; 2005; Plywood and bullshit.
Eighth Katrina Outdoor Excursion: President Under Duress

Bush 'Chang' gang unleashed

Maybe it's a family thing: In a 1989 Washington Post article on the politics of tennis, former President George Bush was quoted as threatening to "unleash Chang" as a means of intimidating other players.

And here are Jeb! Bush's words, spoken last week before hundreds of lawmakers and politicians in Tallahassee:

"Chang is a mystical warrior. Chang is somebody who believes in conservative principles, believes in entrepreneurial capitalism, believes in moral values that underpin a free society.

"I rely on Chang with great regularity in my public life. He has been by my side, and sometimes I let him down. But Chang, this mystical warrior, has never let me down."

Hours later, Jeb! was reminded of society's underpinnings when he was forced to invoke Chang's mystical sword yet again, this time to unleash Jeb!'s namesake, John Ellis Bush, from a Texas jailhouse.

Unbelievable, you say? Nope, just more of the Bush ole-time family values...

Read the story at `Conservative Warrior' Aids Speaker to Be

The New Orwellian Times

More photo-toons at Pablo on Politics

This report just in from The New Orwellian Times:

The delay in French Quarter rescue efforts was blamed on difficulties in establishing whether restaurants there had been serving "freedom fries" or French fries prior to the hurricane.

"Many of the owners and chefs had fled ahead of the flooding," stated a FEMA spokesperson in Washington.

"How could anyone have known that so many patriotic Americans were stranded among the French?"

*****

OK, I know what you're thinking. Yeah, I made up the New Orwellian report, but before you assume it is too absurd to be believed, read this article from the Salt Lake Tribune. You can't make up this stuff:

Frustrated: Fire crews to hand out fliers for FEMA

ATLANTA - Not long after some 1,000 firefighters sat down for eight hours of training, the whispering began: "What are we doing here?"

As New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin pleaded on national television for firefighters - his own are exhausted after working around the clock for a week - a battalion of highly trained men and women sat idle Sunday in a muggy Sheraton Hotel conference room in Atlanta.

Many of the firefighters, assembled from Utah and throughout the United States by the Federal Emergency Management Agency, thought they were going to be deployed as emergency workers.

Instead, they have learned they are going to be community-relations officers for FEMA, shuffled throughout the Gulf Coast region to disseminate fliers and a phone number: 1-800-621-FEMA.

And it gets worse. Read on here: Salt Lake Tribune
Thanks for the heads up at My Two Cents

Note: The New Orwellian Times is my creation.