Pass these laws in 2007

And watch society improve overnight

• Straight women will be prohibited from entering a predominantly gay wine bar, ordering a $12 glass of merlot and referring to its complex blend of taste and aroma as "busy." Violators will be punished by being limited to drinking cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon from paper bags for a period of two (2) months.



• Any male purchasing a Hummer will be required to first drop his pants and prove it really is that small.



• A "maximum bicep circumference" will be enforced upon the gay male population. A task force responsible for random testing of gay males will be comprised of skinny heterosexual males wielding tape measures. Any gay male found with a bicep measuring more than fourteen (14) inches will be prohibited from entering a gym for at least six (6) months, or until their bodies atrophy to a degree that no longer makes hetero males feel inferior, whichever occurs first.



• In the event that religious missionaries appear unannounced at the front door of a male citizen, it will be legal for him to greet his visitors in the nude with a donut around his erect penis and ask if they've had breakfast yet.



• Anyone who uses the horribly redundant term "added bonus" while trying to sell a product on television will be sentenced to five (5) years in prison jail.



• Because it makes no sense to wash one's hands in a public bathroom if one needs to touch a pee-contaminated door handle afterward, all public restrooms will be mandated to have "touchless" exits.



• Winners of beauty pageants will be prohibited from making out with each other in public unless they prearrange to have the session videotaped.



• All faux testicles--be they rubber, stainless steel or gold plated--dangling from the bumper or trailer hitch of any vehicle will be grounds for full and public disclosure, by the perpetrator, of the number of dates said perpetrator has enjoyed in his reproductive life and on how many of those dates his real but tiny and shriveled testes have failed to perform. Note from the law's sponsor: "Boys, this aftermarket accessory is not sexy nor does it convince society of your virility."

These suggestions and more at San Diego CityBeat.