December 22, 2006

New Life overseers dredge for dirt

Have you had sexually-oriented contacts or conversations with a New Life minister or staff member?

If so, the Overseers of the New Life Church of Colorado Springs want to hear from you, post-chaste:

To assist in both the process of Rev. Haggard's restoration and the protection of the Church itself, the Overseers are open to receiving current information relevant to either Rev. Haggard's recovery process or any concerns about New Life Church staff or its leaders. While they cannot promise confidentiality, the Overseers will handle any such information discretely.

The information you share must be first-hand, factual, and detailed with as many dates and specifics as possible for your communication to be considered credible (no rumors, please).

Merry Christmas from the Church of the Overseers.

They just want to know if you've been naughty or nice -- where, when, how and with whom -- but confidentiality flies out the closet door if your disclosure stirs their prurient interests.

They do make the bold promise, though, to go where no man... umm... to handle your personal testimony "discretely," purely for the edification of the fondled... I mean, the flock.

Not to split hairs, but apparently the "overseer's" who inserted the unnecessary apostrophe into their announcement's heading don't know plurals from possessives, discretely from discreetly -- or destructiveness from salvation.

So, sing out loud, sing out strong, if the s
pirit moves you to expose yourself to the Board of the Inquisition. But don't expect amazing grace to spring from religious intolerance. That's not the vision nor the promise.

Unfortunately, the true Christmas spirit will languish outside the walls of New Life Church -- and countless other churches across the land -- until "all ye faithful" come to rely less on the "overseers" of the faith, and more on the teachings of Christ.

For gays and lesbians, the only War on Christmas is the one conducted by the church itself, which is focused more on judgment than on "tidings of comfort and joy."


BlondeSense Liz said...

As a matter of fact, I called them to tell them about my affair with one of the male youth ministers but since I was a lady, they weren't interested. I told them I was really really old, but they just said, Merry Christmas to me. oh well. I tried.

And a merry war on christmas to you Aikane!

Aikäne said...

Ahh, but I am not surprised that your admission failed to titillate the Overseers. Your gender disqualified you. :-(

Don we now our gay apparel, Fa la la la, la la, la la (did I get the la count right?).

Have a merry one, kuz!

Jersey Cynic said...

oh you two are too funny!
FYI - I've taped that HBO documentary re hagwort and "Friends of God...."
and copied this review
to bring along to our local (catholic) church lady. She still speaks to me even though I don't (wasn't asked back) teach CCD anymore. I have taken Liz's recommendation: "there are many many Christians who are anti-christianista or the christian right wing. The right wing christians have brought this on themselves and mainstream christians ought to be speaking out against this sort of hateful rhetoric by the folks who brought you, "this is a christian nation."
I am going to ask her whether or not our (well, my ex now) church would be willing to back my efforts to enlist other christians to take a stand on this with me. I was thinking of calling my crusade "the war against the christianista", but I'm not sure she'd get the wording (?be offended).
Aikane: Any thoughts on a more acceptable name I could call my crusade? Personally I think it is a great and most catchy one and gets my point across quit well. Not sure it's "appropriate" if you know what I mean.
I'm a straight shooter and have always called a spade a spade, but...... well, you know where I'm coming from here I'm sure. Can you help me. I'm dead serious about this.
Thanks for your help

Aikäne said...

JC, thanks for dropping in, and for the comments. Good luck with your project.

Possible names that come to mind:

* War Against Religious Hypocrisy
* Americans Against Theocracy
* Love Thy Neighbor
* Samaritans for Peace
* Eye of the Needle ... "It is easier for a camel to to through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." :-)

And here's a link to a church in Florida that uses a reference to Scripture:
Know Thy Neighbor

Maybe something along those lines... I agree you wouldn't want to use a name that could make the Christian believers feel uncomfortable in associating with your goals.

Jersey Cynic said...

OH "Know thy Neighbor" sounds perfect -- THANK YOU.

With this, I can say how "our church" is far from this kind of extreeeeemism, but it's important we "Know they Neighbor" because after all, they have the BIGGEST CHURCHES, THE LOUDEST PREECHERS, THE BIGGEST AUDIENCE (live and on teevee) and A LOT OF MONEY (heh, heh, heh like the Vatican doesn't). I won't add that, I think she'll figure it out herself?