New Life overseers dredge for dirt

Have you had sexually-oriented contacts or conversations with a New Life minister or staff member?

If so, the Overseers of the New Life Church of Colorado Springs want to hear from you, post-chaste:

To assist in both the process of Rev. Haggard's restoration and the protection of the Church itself, the Overseers are open to receiving current information relevant to either Rev. Haggard's recovery process or any concerns about New Life Church staff or its leaders. While they cannot promise confidentiality, the Overseers will handle any such information discretely.

The information you share must be first-hand, factual, and detailed with as many dates and specifics as possible for your communication to be considered credible (no rumors, please).

• Call for squealers: Overseer's of New Life Church

Merry Christmas from the Church of the Overseers.

They just want to know if you've been naughty or nice -- where, when, how and with whom -- but confidentiality flies out the closet door if your disclosure stirs their prurient interests.

They do make the bold promise, though, to go where no man... umm... to handle your personal testimony "discretely," purely for the edification of the fondled... I mean, the flock.

Not to split hairs, but apparently the "overseer's" who inserted the unnecessary apostrophe into their announcement's heading don't know plurals from possessives, discretely from discreetly -- or destructiveness from salvation.

So, sing out loud, sing out strong, if the spirit moves you to expose yourself to the Board of the Inquisition. But don't expect amazing grace to spring from religious intolerance. That's not the vision nor the promise.

Unfortunately, the true Christmas spirit will languish outside the walls of New Life Church -- and countless other churches across the land -- until "all ye faithful" come to rely less on the "overseers" of the faith, and more on the teachings of Christ.

For gays and lesbians, the only War on Christmas is the one conducted by the church itself, which is focused more on judgment than on "tidings of comfort and joy."

• Bottom line: 'War on Christmas' has a new jingle
• Previous posts: Letter to a fallen man
• Hat tips: Evangelical Right and Dan Savage